seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
