if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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