I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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