GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am naked and annoyed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize