I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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