he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize