Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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