can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
