You just made me feel so damn special
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
