Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
