I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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