That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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