I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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