so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
