then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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