I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
