I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
