peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
