Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
