It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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