I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
