Tell her she can't have a vagina
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
