I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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