I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
