So drunk its hurt
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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