Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
