That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
