took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
