I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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