I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
