I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
