So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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