If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
