The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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