i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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