I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
