I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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