My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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