This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
