he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
