oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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