I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
