I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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