Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize