Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
