Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
