It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
