Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
