He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
