so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
