Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
