Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
