i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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