ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
worst night to have a conscience
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
