Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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