just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
