I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
