you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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