tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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