There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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